I Always Tolerated My Husbands Work Wife. Then I Learned What He Told Her About Our Sex Life And I Cant Even Look At Him ASK JANA

Dear Jana,

I went to a destination wedding without my husband because he couldn’t get time off work.

On the second night, after too many margaritas and a sunset swim, I ended up having a heart-to-heart with the groom’s best man.

We stayed up talking until 4am, held hands, and at one point he kissed my forehead and said, ‘I’ve wanted to do that for years.’

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Nothing else happened. But I came home feeling completely shaken.

I can’t stop thinking about him and wondering if I’ve been emotionally starved in my marriage without realising.

Is this just a holiday fantasy… or a sign I’m ignoring something big at home?

Sunset Confessional.

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Dear Sunset Confessional,

I’m sorry to do this, but I need to burst your fantasy bubble.

Everything seems far romantic in an exotic setting. And any guy can come across as a dream man in a limited time frame. But you barely know him, so don’t put him up on a pedestal.

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What you experienced wasn’t as deeply romantic as you think. It was just contrast.

Let’s look at the facts: You were away from home, out of routine, feeling unseen, and suddenly someone gave you their full attention without the baggage of a marriage.

Of course, that can feel intoxicating even if the man himself is fairly unremarkable.

The ol’ forehead kiss and the ‘I’ve wanted to do that for years’ line didn’t land because he’s your soulmate. It landed because it arrived at the exact moment you were emotionally wide open, and let’s be honest, vulnerable. Context matters – a lot.

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Does that mean this was meaningless? No. But it doesn’t automatically mean you’re in the wrong marriage either. Sometimes moments like this are less about the person in front of you and about what’s been missing quietly in the background.

What I don’t want you doing is spiralling into ‘I’ve been emotionally starved for years and only just realised it over margaritas’ narrative. That’s how good marriages end up under unfair scrutiny because of fleeting holiday sparks.

Your poor husband is at a disadvantage.

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Before you turn this into a referendum on your relationship, ask yourself something simpler. When was the last time you felt truly seen, desired or listened to by your husband? If the answer is ‘recently’, then this was merely a blip dressed up as a revelation.

If the answer is ‘I honestly can’t remember’, then yes, it’s a nudge worth paying attention to.

The good news is, the fact that nothing physical happened tells me you still have a strong line you won’t cross. That’s not someone teetering on the edge of an affair – that’s someone who had a wobble and pulled themselves back. Bravo you.

So I don’t think you need to blow anything up, or track down the groom’s best man on Instagram like he’s the key to your happiness. You just need to take the information on board and reflect.

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Use it as a kick-up-the-bum reminder to reconnect, to talk, to ask for emotional presence at home.

Sometimes the biggest wake-up calls come from the near-misses that remind you what it feels like to be fully awake and alive again.

So have a chat with your husband, in a calm setting, and see if you can get things back on track. Or better yet, go on a saucy weekend away.

Dear Jana,

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I found a folder on my partner’s cloud called ‘backup’.

Inside were screenshots of dating profiles, conversations with women he matched with before we met, and even notes about what he liked and didn’t like about them.

He swears his profile isn’t active and that he’s not cheating. He even showed me the metadata that proved the screenshots were old.

But knowing he has a literal archive of women from his single days has made me feel completely disposable.

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Is this harmless digital clutter or a massive emotional red flag?

Back-up Plan Girlfriend.

Dear Back-up Plan Girlfriend,

The fact your partner documented his dates during his single days makes him sound extremely Type A to me.

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I can barely keep my tax receipts in one place, let alone maintain a curated museum of romantic prospects. That level of organisation alone deserves some sort of certificate.

But listen, before we spiral, let’s separate creepy from catastrophic. Because, frankly, itiskind of creepy that he still has this saved on the cloud.

Here’s the good news: A folder like that doesn’t automatically mean he’s cheating, or considering his options. Some people just genuinely never delete anything from their Google Drive or iCloud or Dropbox.

So don’t assume his digital clutter is an exit strategy.

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But here’s the part I’m a bit wary about… why’d he call the folder ‘backup’?

Perhaps he meant it in a very ordinary, boring, IT sort of way. A simple ‘back-up’ of his dating adventures before he met his Mrs Right (you).

But the word would send me into a WTF?! tailspin. ‘Backup’ implies ‘back-up plan’. Plan B, an insurance policy. And no one wants to feel like they’re replaceable.

I totally get why it’d make you feel insecure. But I’m also wondering if the man has a touch of relationship anxiety?

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Let’s flip it on its head for a second: do you think he’s worried that you might leave him? Maybe he’s keeping a folder to remind him that he has options if you do?

Sounds a little crazy, but it’s also a possibility. Lots of people don’t fully cut off exes – not because they have a wandering eye, but because of insecurity.

It’s a bit like how many of us rebound with exes after heartbreak. We just want reassurance that we’re still lovable and have options.

The fix here isn’t snooping or overanalysing what he meant by ‘backup’; it’s a simple, adult conversation. Tell him that stumbling across that folder made you feel unsettled, even if he never meant it that way.

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Ask him why he’s kept it. Not in an accusatory tone, just genuine curiosity. His answer will tell you everything.

If he deletes it without hesitation and understands why it rattled you, great. If he gets defensive or insists you’re being dramatic, then that’s worth paying attention to.

Not because of the folder, but because of what it reveals about how much he values your emotional safety.

Everyone wants to feel safe in their relationship and you don’t need to compete with ghosts of dating apps past. You also certainly don’t need to feel like a temporary prospect while the ‘back-ups’ sit quietly on standby.

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You’re allowed to want to feel chosen – properly, without a folder lurking on the cloud just in case. So tell him to delete it or bugger off.

Dear Jana,

I have a good girlfriend who works for the same company as my husband, but in different departments.

While at dinner last week, she pulled me aside and said she overheard my husband discussing our sex life with another female co-worker – someone we’ve always jokingly called his ‘work wife’.

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Apparently, they were in a group talking about how often they have sex – and my husband said something to effect of ‘I get it once a week – twice if I’m lucky’.

I know he didn’t mean to disrespect me, but I feel so uncomfortable about him sharing that information with another woman.

I confronted him about it and he said it slipped out because she’s ‘easy to talk to’. He stressed that she’s married too, and he’s not even attracted to her.

Still, something about this unnerves me. I don’t want to be controlling, but I also don’t love that another woman knows how often we have sex.

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Should I let this go?

Work Wife Widow.

Dear Work Wife Widow,

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Hmm… this is a tricky one.

Mainly because I used to work with a big group of men and I heard a lot about their marriages – sex lives included. It was never romantic. There was never any suggestion. It was of a harmless vent session, which can actually be healthy.

(Also, your girlfriend sounds a bit like a workplace dibber-dobber stirring the pot.)

Honestly, if prompted, most men will have a little whinge about not getting enough sex in their marriage. I’ve explored this topic a thousand times, but trust me, it’s a common gripe shared openly in work and social settings.

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It doesn’t mean they don’t love their wives, or that the sex they’re having isn’t good.

That said, I’m with you on one thing: no woman enjoys knowing her sex life has become workplace chatter. Even if the details were fairly minimal, it feels exposing.

Intimate things are meant to stay in the relationship… although if we’re being brutally honest, do they always?

The first question my closest girlfriends usually ask after I’ve slept with someone is, ‘How was the sex?’ So we probably can’t clutch our pearls too tightly when the men do the same thing.

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Where I do understand your reaction is the phrase ‘work wife’ – ick!

That term has a way of sending shivers straight down a real wife’s spine. But I’d take some comfort in the fact she’s married too and he says he’s not attracted to her.

I would also absolutely do a bit of shameless cyberstalking. Find out what she looks like. There’s a strong chance she’s not remotely threatening and you’ll feel instantly calmer. Shallow? Completely. Effective? Yes.

Instead of asking yourself whether to ‘let it go’, why not ask a useful question: does your husband actually understand why this bothered you?

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If he can say, ‘I get why that crossed a line and I won’t do it again,’ then this was probably just clumsy oversharing. In that case, yes, let it go.

But if he minimises it or frames it as you being uptight, quietly file that away in the notes section of your brain and keep an eye on it. Not a code red – an amber light.

If something doesn’t sit right, have an honest conversation. Just don’t let someone else’s careless words put your marriage on trial.

Sometimes it’s just noise. And I’ve discovered the trick is knowing when to turn the volume down and when to change the station.

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For now, I would just turn the volume down.